Guy who woke up to a morning blow job, a funny sex story

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

As I’m laying down some lip service on him, I realize my lips can’t open wide enough to take him all-in. He’s so hung, his manhood looks like a traffic cone, thick and wide at the base.

In the middle of the “job”, as it were, Jacob yelps. Uh oh, what’d I do now? Seems like I’ve hit a little snag— my teeth are literally grating on his penis. So he teaches me a technique for oral sex— slide the lips up and down his length like a stripper on a pole. And do it slowly. Very slowly.

I listen for disapproving hisses, but he’s been quiet. Then I hear him make this groggy sound. Yes! Is he moaning? I look up at Jacob to see him groaning in pleasure, salivating. His eyes are closed, savoring the sensations. Wow, he’s enjoying this so much, he’s drooling like a Doberman.

I move my lips lower on him, then his neck slides down his pillow. What? He’s asleep! Turns out he’s not moaning, he’s snoring. He’s not shutting his eyes in arousal, he’s been sleeping the whole time. I’m blowing him slower than an In Memoriam tribute, he’s fallen asleep.

The next morning, I wake up before he does. I notice him pitching a tent under the sheets. Look it, morning wood! I have myself an early riser, if you know what I mean. The best part of waking up is not Folgers, but fellatio. Never mind sipping a Cup o’ Joe, I got myself a mouthful to blow!

As I’m working his length with my stripper lips going down his pole, Jacob smiles in his sleep. I see he’s not the only one having wet dreams— his member is wet, too. So I tighten my lips even more, but instead of gratitude for the blow job, I get a blow to the jaw. Kapow! Next thing I know, his knee jabs me right in the mouth, sending me flying backward like a scene from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hard-on. 

I feel something in my mouth like loose pebbles. I spit out onto my palm. Phew, they’re just my dental veneer caps. They’ve come undone from the impact of the blow. Then Jacob stirs to consciousness. When he sees me, he screams in horror as if I’m a nightmare come to life.

Jacob asks what happened to my teeth. After I explain, he apologizes, saying it was purely a “knee-jerk” reaction. Oh, there’s a jerk here, alright— and it’s not your knee.

Sex Rule Number 16:

No fellatio in the morning,

Don’t blow him while he’s sleeping.

Wait ‘til he’s awake and conscious, 

Or get knocked out un-conscious.

 

To be continued…

For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

Girl who drugged my dick (with numbing lube)

Guys, your dicks are better off with the ol’ pull out method than drugging it up with numbing lube.

Sex rule # 19 – If you come too fast, don’t numb it out. If you want to last, just pull it out.

Boyfriend cross-dressing, uses vibrator – kinky or gay?

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

He whispers, “Panties off. Now.”

I shimmy off the thong. Jalen watches the panties— not me— the panties. Just when I lean in for a kiss, he takes my thong and walks away. Then he disappears into the bathroom. Maybe he’s off to play Sniff-and-Get-Stiff with my thong. I don’t mind, it saves me the trouble of giving him a hand job. I just don’t have the arms for it.

When he doesn’t return after 10 minutes, I check on him. Lo and behold, I see my thong— not on the floor, not on the sink counter, but on Jalen. He’s wearing my panties! Hold the phone, hold the mayo, what just happened?

Jalen sees me and says, “I can explain. I put it on ‘cause it’s like I have your pussy on me all the time. I can smell you on me, even if I’m not inside you.”

Well, cut off his tongue so I can pawn that fine silver. If that isn’t a silver tongue, I don’t know what is.

What’s wrong with me? I’m turned on by a man in panties. His boner is practically popping out of the tiny thong like a bird bursting out of a cuckoo clock. I offer to get him hard. Sex Rule Number 20: Stroke that wood, you’ll get it good.

But he says he can handle it himself. Jalen tells me to wait on the bed.

He never comes back, Jalen is still in the bathroom. What is he up to? I sneak up on him on my tippy toes.

Surprise, surprise. He’s playing with himself. But that’s not the surprise, this is: he’s not using his hand to jerk off, he’s using my dildo. No kidding. When he said he didn’t need a hand, he really didn’t because he prefers a dildo— a prosthetic penis with more veins than Madonna on steroids.

I couldn’t stop watching the sword fight between a plastic penis and a real one. I watch in awe as Jalen presses the vibrator to his manhood and runs it up his length like a naughty metal detector at the airport scan.

Hey, whatever tickles your pickle. And tickle, it did— Jalen is shuddering in pleasure. But it gets better. Now he’s moving the dildo behind him toward his butt.

I’m so entranced by the prospect of a dildo in his rear entrance that I let out a little whimper. When Jalen catches me, he tries to play it cool and says, “I just need batteries for my, uh, nose trimmer.”

To be continued…

For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

Girl who used a penis pump to “supersize” me

Sex rule #15: If you don’t “measure up” to size queens like Shallow Hal, try your luck with a Shallow Vag instead.

Guy with the big condom

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

Jonas readies a condom, a Magnum. I see. Now that he wears XL clothing, even his condoms are XL. But before he puts the Magnum condom on, he drops some lube in the rubber. Why? He’s got a dry dick, too? No, Jonas says it just feels better for him. Lubed condoms make sex feel fluid apparently.

Jonas slips the Magnum on. The condom fits so loose, his sperm bag looks baggy. The Magnum looks like a balloon animal short on helium. But Jonas assures me he’s supposed to leave some space at the tip— for what will soon drip.

He penetrates. Jonas continues thrusting for a good 5 to 10 minutes, but suddenly he stops and pulls out. I turn around to find him staring at his member in terror. Then I notice he’s no longer wearing a condom. Where’s the Magnum? I saw him put it on. Where is it now? It’s not on him, it’s not on the bed, it’s missing! 

If the condom is not on the sheets nor on the floor, then there’s only one place it could be: still inside me. I jump up and down, trying to get the Magnum to fall out, but it’s lodged so deep, deeper than any penis I’ve had. I ask Jonas to pull it out of me, but he can’t reach it. The lost condom is a lost cause.

What is it with me and condoms? If I’m not allergic to it, it’s getting lost inside me. Imagine if I play Truth or Dare, and someone asks, Who was your deepest fuck? What am I going to say? A Trojan? And I’m not even talking about some man from Troy. I wish I were.

Not to mention there’s a live sperm bank inside me. What if that lost condom is full? Even if it’s just pre-ejaculate, there could be leftover sperm in his pre-come if Jonas masturbated earlier, which, judging from his crusty briefs, he probably did. When I think of that condom being possibly full, given my history with jizz allergy, suddenly I’m overcome with the need to push it out of me. So I squat really low and force it out like I’m birthing a Trojan baby. I’ll probably get hemorrhoids from squeezing it out this hard, but ass-cauliflowers be damned, I refuse to keep this sack of sperm inside me. After more pushes, there it is, seven inches long, one and a half-inch wide, my firstborn, a Magnum XL.

Sex Rule Number 41:

Guys, don’t use a Magnum if your penis is a mini.

If a condom is too big, it gets stuck inside the lady.

Girls, after sex, make sure the condom’s out.

Don’t leave it in or you’ll get pregnant, no doubt.

 

For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

Girl who called my penis ugly

Don’t pass judgment, we’re not in a penis pageant.

Besides, it’s called “bumping uglies” – not bumping handsomes.

Girl who squeezes her butt

Lay off the butt Kegels for a loose caboose.

Burning lube, vagina on fire! (Funny sex story)

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

John asks me how I feel about natural lube.

What, like olive oil? “Honey, we’re not making Pasta Primavera.”

“Yeah, I want Pussy Primavera,” he says.

Well, someone’s got the munchies. I hope he likes beef jerky. Because of smoking weed, my lady bits are dry as bacon bits. Besides, natural lubes are not condom-compatible, the formula breaks down condoms.

John finds a type of His and Hers lube called, “Fire and Ice.” Sounds like Game of Thrones lubricants. I remember my co-worker recommending warming lubes. She says they’re like peppermint for your puss. Why not? 

Now it’s time to use the lube. John applies it on me with his finger, twisting his digit in.

“Let’s do the twist, like we did last summer,” he sings in his best Elvis impression.

Yes, keep doing The Twist in my twat. Amusedly, John adds more lube and twists his digit inside me again, clockwise, counterclockwise, spinning it around like a Twister in my cooter. 

Suddenly I feel an infernal burn down there. Oh, no, here we go again. It’s not an itchy burn this time, but rather, a stinging burn like there’s Tabasco in my hot taco. Now I’m a living, breathing Kings of Leon song because My Sex Is On Fire. Call me Flaming Lips because my labial lips are up in flames. What is this vaginal burn? An STD?

In the corner of my eye, I see the lube labelled, “Fire.” Stop, drop and roll. You mean John literally put “fire” in this hellhole I call my vagina? Turns out it’s the lube, not an STD. Hell, I know it’s called a “warming lubricant” but it’s not supposed to give me a Burning Bush.

I read the fine print on the lube. The formula contains capsaicin, the chemical Dr. Oz says makes you lose weight. It’s also found in chili powder. Wait, I have chili on my coochie? Hell, no. Chili belongs in curry, not in my pussy. These “His and Hers” lubricants shouldn’t be called KY. It should be called, K-Why isn’t this hot sauce lube banned yet?

I’m out of tears to shed on my guitar, but I can sing Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain, except with the lyrics “Set fire to my taint” because that’s exactly what John has done. Sex Rule Number 37:

If you use a “warming” lubricant

Your vagina will need a fire hydrant.

So use plain lube, it may be vanilla.

But at least it won’t burn your vagina.

For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

Girl who sleeps with stuffed animals

There’s more than one way to diddle the skittle
Sometimes that means grinding up on Goofy

Girl who tastes bitter (down there)

Try going down on a barista. It’s like licking old coffee filters.

But after drinking smoothies, you’ll go from tasting like Java to tasting like Jamba.