John asks me how I feel about natural lube.
What, like olive oil? “Honey, we’re not making Pasta Primavera.”
“Yeah, I want Pussy Primavera,” he says.
Well, someone’s got the munchies. I hope he likes beef jerky. Because of smoking weed, my lady bits are dry as bacon bits. Besides, natural lubes are not condom-compatible, the formula breaks down condoms.
John finds a type of His and Hers lube called, “Fire and Ice.” Sounds like Game of Thrones lubricants. I remember my co-worker recommending warming lubes. She says they’re like peppermint for your puss. Why not?
Now it’s time to use the lube. John applies it on me with his finger, twisting his digit in.
“Let’s do the twist, like we did last summer,” he sings in his best Elvis impression.
Yes, keep doing The Twist in my twat. Amusedly, John adds more lube and twists his digit inside me again, clockwise, counterclockwise, spinning it around like a Twister in my cooter.
Suddenly I feel an infernal burn down there. Oh, no, here we go again. It’s not an itchy burn this time, but rather, a stinging burn like there’s Tabasco in my hot taco. Now I’m a living, breathing Kings of Leon song because My Sex Is On Fire. Call me Flaming Lips because my labial lips are up in flames. What is this vaginal burn? An STD?
In the corner of my eye, I see the lube labelled, “Fire.” Stop, drop and roll. You mean John literally put “fire” in this hellhole I call my vagina? Turns out it’s the lube, not an STD. Hell, I know it’s called a “warming lubricant” but it’s not supposed to give me a Burning Bush.
I read the fine print on the lube. The formula contains capsaicin, the chemical Dr. Oz says makes you lose weight. It’s also found in chili powder. Wait, I have chili on my coochie? Hell, no. Chili belongs in curry, not in my pussy. These “His and Hers” lubricants shouldn’t be called KY. It should be called, K-Why isn’t this hot sauce lube banned yet?
I’m out of tears to shed on my guitar, but I can sing Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain, except with the lyrics “Set fire to my taint” because that’s exactly what John has done. Sex Rule Number 37:
If you use a “warming” lubricant
Your vagina will need a fire hydrant.
So use plain lube, it may be vanilla.
But at least it won’t burn your vagina.