Tight first-time (Loosening up with lube)

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“Pearl” is my first Asian. We had the longest foreplay because I wanted to make sure she was wet before sex. Finally she said she was ready, but when we got to it, I could not get inside her. She was petite in stature – even in the vag. I ask if she’s a virgin (I could’ve brought a Susan Boyle opera CD to mellow her out) but she says she’s not. I ask, “How did the other guys fit inside?” She said her last BF just slid right in because he had “chopstick dick” – very thin penis. I’m not big myself – not by a long stretch, but I have girth. So I ask her, Can you handle me? She says, If the vag can stretch wide enough for a fist baby, I can take it.

She was as tight as a virgin ass hole, so I apply the rules of anal. And the first rule of anal is… lube, lots of it. I’m about to lube her up, when she reads the bottle and screams “Wait, stop, this is gay lube.” Now let’s not be homophobic – just because it’s called “Wet Uranus Anal Lube” doesn’t mean it’s gay. She asks, Is it OK to use ass lube for the vag? Honey, if it’s safe for rectums, it’s safe anywhere.

Second rule of prepping – start with 1 finger. So I slip one in. When I see her enjoying it, I say, “I’m gonna scissor you.” She goes, “Wait, are you a lesbian? Isn’t scissoring a lez move?” I said, “I’m just gonna use two fingers and move them apart like scissors – to stretch you. It’ll feel good – better than that chopstick dick.” She was sold on that.

I work my magic fingers to prep her, and in the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, “she bloomed like a flower” – petals opening like a pink lotus blossom. Then she moans, “more anal lube!” She was hooked on Wet Uranus lube like Snoop Dogg on weed. Then when she was prepped enough, I finally got inside her. Oh, she’s gonna love it now.

…except not. My dick wasn’t doing anything for her. She says, “Can you just scissor?” I ask why, she says, “Your dick just feels like a spring roll, but the fingers – they move!” Never mind that she doesn’t want my dick, but how the hell do you know what a spring roll in the vag feels like? I guess my dick can’t stretch her wide like my digits. So, I just scissor all night long. I probably scissored more in one night than Chaz Bono ever did in her/his life. Now I gotta ice my fingers – they’re sore from scissoring.

Sex Rule # 25

If she’s petite and tight like a virgin asshole

Use lots of lube so you can fit in your love-pole

Prep her with fingers so you have more penile control

Then she can fit more girth than an egg roll.

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