How to make blowjobs taste better

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“Betty” had a knack for sweet things. When she saw my boner, she wanted to taste it right away. But I was only semi-hard. She said she’ll get it fully erect and takes a lick of my crotch creamsicle. But then she makes a face of distaste and says my dick tastes “soapy.” Well, excuse me for washing my junk, I just don’t want it to reek of spunk.

So Betty puts a flavored condom over my dick to cover the taste. But when she starts licking, I just don’t feel enough tongue because of the condom. After a while she looks up at me and asks why I’m not hard yet. I said I’m not feeling her tongue as much, so she removes the condom. I ask, “what about the taste?” Betty says she can make me taste good. How? Body chocolate. Well then, Betty Crocker, make my dick taste like dessert.

Betty whips out this tub of body chocolate she says is from a sex shop, takes a mini brush and paints the fudge over my dick. She says, “Now you have a chocolate dick – not as big as real ones, though.” I know I’m more of a bite-sized eclair than a long john donut. I get it.

She starts licking my Chocolate Banana, then stuffs her mouth with it, her tongue underneath my dick. Her tongue’s slick, hot, very hot – I feel it all without the condom. Her tongue felt so good, my dick twitched and twitched like it was having an epileptic seizure (Lord knows my dick was foaming in the mouth… so to speak, ahem). I feel her throat tightening the more I twitch. Then suddenly I notice a change in texture down there, as if my dick was dipped in a bowl of Sloppy Joe.

I look down and see my chocolate-frosted cock now covered in chunks of indigested food. Yep, there’s puke on my penis, Betty upchuck’d on my junk. I even see bits of an un-chewed hotdog. Come on! Did my dick really taste that bad? Sure it tastes like a musty combo of Irish Spring and ball sweat, but you didn’t have to vomit on it. I let Betty Crocker spread fudge on my dick like I had Nutella on my nuts, and this is what I get? Screw this, Betty Puker.

While I cleaned up with my boxer shorts, she blamed it on the body chocolate. She said it tasted nasty to begin with, and when my boner twitched in her mouth, the jerk and the fudge triggered her gag. I said sorry, I can’t control my dick – sometimes it twitches like it has Tourette’s – but she insists it’s the body chocolate. She says it used to taste good, but it’s gone sour. She checks the label and sees it’s expired. Apparently, these things go bad?

How did I go from Dessert Dick to Mr. Chunks-on-my-Junk? I should’ve stuck to the flavored condom – can’t feel the BJ, but at least you don’t get puke on your penis.

Sex Rule No. 29:

If using body chocolate on somebody,

Always check the date of expiry.

Check the label for the “best before” date,

Before your partner starts to fellate.

And when your getting blown, don’t shove it too far,

If she’s nauseous from the flavor, she might just barf.

Remember the cardinal rule of ORAL sex:

Deep-throating too much triggers the gag reflex.

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4 thoughts on “How to make blowjobs taste better

  1. the real olive says:

    lol been there. throwing up kinda ruins the mood.

  2. rougedmount says:

    omg.. i almost pee’d myself…”How did I go from Dessert Dick to Mr. Chunks-on-my-Junk?”
    has to be the best line …like…ever

  3. Dating Fresh says:

    This is hilarious!

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