I had sex with a hot science teacher, “Miss Sutherland.” She had me all over her anatomy in an all-nighter of LOUD sex. I mean her body made sounds I didn’t even know a woman could make down there…
It all started when I made love to her in missionary position. Then she says I’m not hitting it deep enough. So I flip her over to doggy style – a short dick’s go-to position to reach in deeper. After several solid thrusts, I needed to pause my pelvis, otherwise I’ll need a hip replacement. While I rest, I pull all the way out, then I hear this “Prrrfft!” sound coming from her lady bits. It sounded like trumpets announcing the arrival of a king. Wait, did she just fart on my dick?
But she backs up on my boner, and tells me, “Don’t stop fucking!” Immediately the fart was out of my mind, I’m back to thrusting. Then she says, “Get in deeper!” If some pizzas are made deep-dish, some women just have deep-set vaginas that want far-reaching cocks. So listen up short dicks, if there’s one thing a deep vag likes, it’s the slow slide-out of a hard boner. It tricks her into thinking you’re longer than you are.
So I withdraw all the way out. Suddenly, “Prrpppt!” There’s that sound again. I fan my nose on instinct, but surprisingly it didn’t smell. She angrily complains why I stopped thrusting. Sorry, I was busy thinking where the trombone of farts is coming from.
But she backs up on it, fucking herself on my boner. I’m distracted. Fuck it, no fart will stand in the way of my orgasm, so I get back to thrusting. I work my crotch like I got a pelvis like Elvis. I was not loving her tender with my hip action.
I’m tired from pounding the puss. I pull out again just to tease her, make her want it more. You know what Shakespeare says: Absence makes the vagina grow fonder. And when I pull out, her vag sounded again, “PRRRUP!” Her pussy must be hosting a jazz concert because it sounded like a tuba now.
This has happened enough times for me to notice she only farts when I pull out. Whenever I withdraw, the French horn on her fanny sounds like a referee’s whistle. I ask her, “Are you OK, do you need Gas-X?”
Miss Sutherland said she’s not farting – she’s queefing. What? Is that Queen Latifah’s rapper name? She says the sound is “a queef, a vaginal fart.” Pardon me, Queefer Sutherland, are you telling me that vaginas fart?
She goes into science teacher mode and says it’s normal – vaginal farts are just air trapped in there after consecutive thrusting. Once the guy withdraws, air pressure in the vagina is released in the form of “Flatulence of the Fanny.” (Nice. Sounds like porn filmed in London.)
I test the hypothesis, I thrust and really pack the air in there. And when I pull out, I swear she lets ‘er rip! The pussy trombone sounds off each time I withdraw. Queefer Sutherland was right. Pussies do fart.
Phew, so it’s just a little vag burp – not an ass fart. It’s rather amusing, though. So I do it again, thrusting and withdrawing to hear the queefs. I could play Name That Tune with her vag burps… Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-prrpt!
Sex Rule #33
When couples have sex in the doggy position
It causes vaginal flatulence – like a whoopee cushion
But it’s not a fart! It’s not gas from the ass
Just air pressure in the vag from thrusting too fast
Good news is “queefs” happen only during doggy
So avoid pussy burps by switching to missionary.