Guy with the big condom

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

Jonas readies a condom, a Magnum. I see. Now that he wears XL clothing, even his condoms are XL. But before he puts the Magnum condom on, he drops some lube in the rubber. Why? He’s got a dry dick, too? No, Jonas says it just feels better for him. Lubed condoms make sex feel fluid apparently.

Jonas slips the Magnum on. The condom fits so loose, his sperm bag looks baggy. The Magnum looks like a balloon animal short on helium. But Jonas assures me he’s supposed to leave some space at the tip— for what will soon drip.

He penetrates. Jonas continues thrusting for a good 5 to 10 minutes, but suddenly he stops and pulls out. I turn around to find him staring at his member in terror. Then I notice he’s no longer wearing a condom. Where’s the Magnum? I saw him put it on. Where is it now? It’s not on him, it’s not on the bed, it’s missing! 

If the condom is not on the sheets nor on the floor, then there’s only one place it could be: still inside me. I jump up and down, trying to get the Magnum to fall out, but it’s lodged so deep, deeper than any penis I’ve had. I ask Jonas to pull it out of me, but he can’t reach it. The lost condom is a lost cause.

What is it with me and condoms? If I’m not allergic to it, it’s getting lost inside me. Imagine if I play Truth or Dare, and someone asks, Who was your deepest fuck? What am I going to say? A Trojan? And I’m not even talking about some man from Troy. I wish I were.

Not to mention there’s a live sperm bank inside me. What if that lost condom is full? Even if it’s just pre-ejaculate, there could be leftover sperm in his pre-come if Jonas masturbated earlier, which, judging from his crusty briefs, he probably did. When I think of that condom being possibly full, given my history with jizz allergy, suddenly I’m overcome with the need to push it out of me. So I squat really low and force it out like I’m birthing a Trojan baby. I’ll probably get hemorrhoids from squeezing it out this hard, but ass-cauliflowers be damned, I refuse to keep this sack of sperm inside me. After more pushes, there it is, seven inches long, one and a half-inch wide, my firstborn, a Magnum XL.

Sex Rule Number 41:

Guys, don’t use a Magnum if your penis is a mini.

If a condom is too big, it gets stuck inside the lady.

Girls, after sex, make sure the condom’s out.

Don’t leave it in or you’ll get pregnant, no doubt.


For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

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