Why do pet cats or dogs join when you have sex or masturbate?

An excerpt from “Lessons in Lovemaking: The Novel”  – available on Amazon here.

Ed takes off my lace panties. He leaves them on the bed, while he ogles my lady parts, praising how my labia looks. Ed stares at my petals, as he calls it, while he jerks himself stiff to my naked image.

And just as Ed glides the head of it inside me, it slips past and misses the target. I look at him, as though to ask, Why? But his whole body is frozen stiff. I feel him petrify above me like a statue, his pasty complexion draining of color. I feel like I’m having sex with the Pillsbury dough-boy.

His eyes flicker close, shutting tightly with a silent groan. Wait, Ed seems to be having an erotic moment all by himself. What’s going on? My labia have gone Open Sesame, but he never makes it inside the Cave of Wonders. He’s not inside me, so how is he orgasming?

Ed’s body slumps forward unsteadily, then he bites his lip to stifle a moan. Wait, something’s going on. I look behind him and I see a golden fur ball of a feline. Hello, Kitty. Then I see its little tongue giving a tongue lashing to what seems to be Ed’s behind. Oh. What’s this, a Menage a Meow? 

I can’t shoo it away, I don’t want to get reported to PETA as an inhumane puta. But why is this cat licking Ed’s naughty bits like some Kibbles and Bits

Then I hear Ed whisper, “That’s rough.”

What’s rough? Do you mean the texture of the cat’s tongue? Good Lord, I think I’ll need therapy after this. I bunch up my panties within my Fists of Furry— I mean, fury. Then I throw it in the direction of the cat to distract it. Off it goes and Ed’s attention returns to me. He kisses the pussy— the one between my legs— and I’m moaning so wantonly, I could operate a phone sex line the way I’m howling into the night. It’s practically a cross-species mating call.

Ed aligns himself with me again, that stiff staff lining up to penetrate. He’s just about to glide it in when suddenly his member slips past jerkily and misses again. I look at him, and his eyeballs are rolling to the back of his head like a possessed Furby. I look down at his naughty bits. Well, look what the cat dragged in. 

As Tom Jones would say, What’s up pussycat? What brings you here? Ed apologizes for the intrusion and explains the precocious cat gets excited around sexual noises. Personally, I think the cat has sperm radar because it’s all over Ed’s yarn balls, if you know what I mean.

But I could be wrong because I think I saw Kitty saying “Hello” to Ed’s manhole, its tongue moving in circles. Kitty seems pleased, looking every bit like the cat that got the cream. And you know what, the cat might just get Ed’s, erm, cream. Because that tongue keeps rimming Ed like it’s licking salt off a margarita glass. Then Ed snaps out of it and places Kitty in another room.

But the deal is off. There’s no way Ed’s getting in me now. I did not wait this long to have sex just to catch cat rabies. I thought a pussy’s getting lucky tonight. Too bad it’s not the one in my pants. Sex Rule Number 17:

Don’t have sex, 

In front of pets. 

Hide his scrotum,

Or else, it’s a threesome.

For more Rules of Sex and entertaining sex stories, read “Lessons in Lovemaking” – available on Amazon here.

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2 thoughts on “Why do pet cats or dogs join when you have sex or masturbate?

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