Throw a condom over your unwashed dick, then. Sex Rule Number 31: If he has dirty foreskin, cover it with a Trojan Bareskin. So Harry slips one on.
He pushes it in me slowly. Praise be, the head of it is in! But I ask him not to thrust yet. Just keep it parked like valet in my vajayjay.
Just when I ask him to start thrusting, I feel an itch. Not on the pubes— it’s not lice, don’t be gross— since it itches on the inside. I ask Harry to pull out. What’s this, chicken pox from cocks? It can’t be due to his smegma because his manhood is covered, double-bagged with two skins: his foreskin and a Trojan Bareskin.
Harry asks, “Do you happen to be allergic to latex, perchance?”
Give me a break! Now my vagina’s having an outbreak? I’m allergic to his imported condom?
I ask Harry to change condoms, but he doesn’t have any other kind on him. He says we can go bareback and he’ll just pull out before he unloads. You know what people who “just pull out” are called? Parents. No to barebacking. You can barely clean your smegma, I won’t be your babymomma. Bareskin, yes. Bareback, no.
Harry asks, “What brand of contraceptive do you require?”
Oh, he’s actually willing to find one right now. I suppose my only criterion would be non-latex. So Harry leaves to embark on a condom quest. He knocks on every door on the entire floor like an Avon lady whose rent is due tonight. Then Harry returns with a Trojan Supra. He says it’s non-latex and made of polyurethane. Alright, let’s get it in and get it on, Al Green.
As Harry hurries to slip it on, the condom snaps and breaks. Really? This is going to happen now? Sex Rule Number 32: Don’t trust those Naked Sensations thin condoms from the pharmacy. It’ll break faster than you can say “unwanted pregnancy.”
But Harry is relentless. Again he goes door to door like a Jehovah’s Witness. He eventually returns with a lambskin condom. Now we’re getting medieval. He tells me the condom is all-natural, so it’s non-latex. As he puts it on, Harry says, “Are you certain you carry no STDs? Because lambskin does not protect against that.”
You mean if he’s carrying an infection— other than his dick infestation— I get an STI? Forget it.
And like a thin condom, Harry snaps! “If your vagina is such a particular prima donna, perhaps you should have brought your own condoms,” he snarks.
I agree. Sex Rule Number 33: Like every house party, sex should be B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Bareskin). He makes a strong point. The point in his penis, though, has lost its edge.
Sex Rule Number 34:
If you have allergies to latex,
Use a Polyurethane Durex.
So you can have responsible sex,
Without the itchy side effects.